Writeous Day, or The Maddest Teaparty
by Katherine NotGreat
Summary: A merry AU related to my The Stuart Family Values. What if Providence brought together two weird couples from different fandoms, plus a certain old, but vigorous lady from the third one, and some other unexpected guest? Guess who's coming to tea...
1. Prologue Scene 1

_**WRITEOUS DAY,**_

_**OR**_

_**THE MADDEST TEAPARTY**_

_London, the 1940s (post-Victory)_

_Bloomsbury, N 14 – the same place, the same good old house. Dining-room of the Stuarts' residence. Time – about 5 o'clock in the evening._

_**Wendy Moira Angela Stuart (neé Darling), **__by now a matron in her late forties, but still pretty and sweet, is setting the table for tea, humming some tune from Frank Sinatra._

_Suddenly her husband, __**James Matthew Stuart (**__ex-Captain Hook, now an elderly gentleman still anxious about Good Form,) appears behind her back_

**James: **May I ask you a question, my beauty?

**Wendy: **_(nearly dropping a cup)_**: **Oh, James, you're so unpredictable! Is something wrong?

**James: **Well, I thought we were expecting but two guests tonight – your friend and – ahem – that husband of hers…Is that so?

**Wendy **_(playfully)_**: **_Oui, mon capitaine ! _Just the two of them. Could you pass me this plate of tarts, please?

**James: **Just two of them , and no children of theirs?

**Wendy: **Exactly! No children, I assure you. Neither ours, nor theirs. And NO grandchildren either!

**James: **Thank God! (_utters a sigh of relief). No _grandchildren to plague me tonight!

**Wendy:…**just four of us, like good old times, before all those wars, when we still were young, innocent and…(nearly overturning the plate)

**James **(catching the plate and saving the tarts)**:…**And clumsy. Shame on you, my lady, you, unlike your humble servant, haven't even lived a single lifetime, and imagine yourself to be too old to count two and two? Bad form, indeed!

**Wendy: **(chortles) Of course, my love (_Continues to put more cups and saucers_, _humming _:" Tea for two, and two for tea…")

**James: **_(puzzled): _Then why on Earth are you putting so much china on the table?

**Wendy**_(in a dreamlike voice): _Oh, that….But, my love, you know Tarrant's habits…

**James**Better than I could wish, my lady!

**Wendy: **…and besides, James, one can never tell how many people may show up…or not…

**James **_(morosely): _I am not in the mood for riddles tonight, Mrs. Stuart! Besides, my main condition is : NO BLASTED SPEAKING ANIMALS AT MY TABLE!

**Wendy:**( anxiously): Except for the White Rabbit , darling!

**James: **Yes, except for the Rabbit. He could be made useful. As for other creatures – definitely out of the question, madam! They would be only annoying our turtles and….SPLIT MY INFINITIVES! WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THE TURTLES?

**Wendy **_(in a soothing voice):_No need to worry, James, they have only turned into Mock Turtles. Temporarily. Just for the Tea party, I assure you!

**James: **No one is allowed to mock at MY turtles – mind it, my lady! Well, I'm washing my hands – pardon, my _hand – _out of this affair! (_Puts a tart into his mouth). _Hmm.. tastes good…All right, I'll go and slice a lemon or two…

**Wendy: **_(gives him a thimble ) _Don't worry, darling, we'll have a great time together!

_A White Rabbit (Nivens McTwisp) appears in the doorway._

**Rabbit: **_(announcing like an old-time butler) : _Mr and Mrs. Tarrant Hightopp!

**James **_(taking lemon off his hook): _Yes, about Time…


	2. Scene 2

**Scene 2. **_Enter "__**The Alice"**__(who is actually even older then Wendy, but nevertheless looks young and fragile, and _**Mad Hatter. **_The latter is quite old, but by no means done for, with his eccentric ways and Albert Einstein – esque appearance. _

**Hatter& Alice**: Hello, everybody!

_(The hosts step forward to greet the guests)_

**James:** Mistress Alice, (_kissing her hand)_ you look as charming as ever!

**Alice** (chortles): Hello, James! I see you are more of a flirt than ever! (_Hugs Wendy)_ Good evening, Champion Jr.!

**Wendy** (hugs Alice in return): Good evening, Champion Sr.! It's been quite a while….

**Hatter: **(with a mocking bow in front of Wendy)Happy Writeous Day, Lady Wendy-Bird! _(Takes a bunch of violets from inside his hat and presents to Wendy)_

**Wendy **(laughs): Tarrant, you are original as usual! Why is today a righteous one? And why a Bird?

**Hatter**: Not righteous, but **Writeous, **Mother Wendy! Haven't lost your _motherness_, have you, eh? And aren't you a little, but anxious bird willing to gather all those gone astray under your wings? But all explanations in good time, my dear, all in good time! (_Pats her on the shoulder)_

**Wendy and Alice**: (jockingly): "You are old, Father Tarrant"!

**Hatter:** (proudly)…but by no means done for!

**James: **(with a still morose look): Evening, Hightopp!

**Hatte**r (grinning): Evening, Tick-tock teaser! As for you, methinks your _Dukeness_ hasn't worn off with years either! But your _pirateness_, sadly did! (_smirks at Hook_)

**James** (s_cowling_): Still playing the Joker, old man?

**Hatter**: (not at all offended): Still fooling the Time, King of the Hill?

**James** (_insulted_) : At least I never intended to kill Time! And haven't lost my sanity during the last three centuries, which cannot be said of you, impertinent clown!

**Hatter **: (with some mischief in his glance) : Right , Jimmie, you had had Time swallow you whole instead! (_Chortles_). And I dare say It hated the taste of your sanity so much that had to spit you out quite soon – much to your luck (_Pats him on the shoulder as well_)

**James (**_irate_): You…you….

**Alice: **Oh, boys, don't quarrel, please – it will spoil the taste of tea!

Wendy: Really, James, Tarrant, let us not make Time angry! Sit down, all of you!

_(Enter White Rabbit, announcing: "__**Tea is served!")**_

**Hatter: **Surely! We are on Time!

(_Everyone sit down)_

**Wendy: **So, my dears, what are the news?

**Alice: **Well, Tarrant has finally made up his mind to pass his hat-making business to Charlie…

**Wendy: **Oh, Tarrant, is that so? And what are you going to do now?

**James** (_snorts_): Yes, Hightopp, what about, for instance, cultivating giant mushrooms? Or, perhaps, writing an essay on " why is a raven like a writing desk"?

**Hatter** (_grins_): Those who can do anything, do it. Those who cannot do – teach (_Hook chokes on his tea). _By the way, Jimmie, you are still unaware why is a raven like a writing desk? (_Takes a tart)_

**James** (_calming down, with dignity_): Because Edgar Allan Poe wrote on both , I presume. By all means, Hightopp, cannot you think of something new?

**Alice and Wendy** (_serenely_): Yes, Tarrant, please!

**Hatter: **All right. (clears his throat). Since we are having an English language teacher here…

**James:** (_annoyed_) _Ex_-teacher, Hightopp. You may have failed to notice, but I retired just before the Second Great War.

**Alice**: Oh, James, but there is no such thing as an _Ex_ – teacher. Nor an _ex_-doctor, nor _ex_-priest.

(Hook is pouting into his cup)

**Wendy** : (_warning glance_) And nor ex-English gentleman, James!

**James: **(_returning his wife a look of understanding_) Well, Hightopp,we are all attention itself!

**Hatter:** In fact, I've got quite a hatful of questions to you, Prof. Scott….(_ponders_)… If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? That you comb through the annals of history but not a single annal? And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, and two geese. So one moose, and two meese, and one index, and two indices?

(_Alice and Wendy giggle, Brimstone and Gall (in their Mock Turtle disguise) make some funny noises)_

**James**: (_losing his non-existing patience_) : Enough of this madness for a single evening, Hightopp! Your madness is progressing with every extra cup of tea! Mrs. Stuart, take the tea-pot from him, for goodness' sake!

**Hatter **No way! (_helping himself _). Mad am I, you are saying? It's your Abovelandian language that is mad! How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? Indeed, Jimmie, you have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on. …

**Wendy **(_too tired to laugh more_): OK, enough, Tarrant! I got your point! There's no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple! But no more speaking of alarm clocks- it's a forbidden topic in this house!

_(Hook sighs in relief while pouring more tea into his cup)_

**Alice **(_smiling_): Yes, my love, and we all here are aware that a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig! (_kisses her husband)_

**Wendy: **Oh, and speaking of pets, would Charlie's girls care for a couple of baby turtles? You know, our Brimstone and Gall have recently surprised us with a new brood…

**James: **NO! (_correcting himself, to Alice)_ I meant – no, Mistress Alice, our turtles are not to be handed around like kittens or puppies! They are too delicate creatures to be mistreated by (_shudders_) children! I am extremely sorry…

**Alice: **No offence, James!And Wendy, may be we could give to your grandchildren something instead? A couple of Mallymkun's recent heirs , eh? Surely Jane wouldn't object…

**Wendy: **Oh, butI'm afraid Meg and Jim are still too small to care for them properly…(_Hook is humming maliciously : "Alouette, gentile alouette, alouette, je te plumerai…")_

May be in a year or two….

**James: **(hopefully)…or in a decade or two…At presents, my friends, the amount of pets in our residence can only be surpassed by that in your own. Which, altogether with Jane and her children, is more than a 300 old gentleman can bear….

**Hatter: **And speaking of children, Wendy-bird, how is Pirate Queen?

**Wendy** (_smiles_): Jane and her family has gone for the week-end to visit her cousins at the Quiller-Couch residence.

J**ames**: By the way, Mistress Alice, you could offer your little cute mice to my lady's venerable brother and his offspring! ( _Maliciously)_ Just imagine, Mrs. Stuart, the look on the elder Darlings' faces! I would have given a couple of volumes of Dickens to see it!

**Hatter **_(to Wendy , not paying Hook any attention): _And how is your little Queen of Scots?

**James: (**_annoyed_): _Mary Anne _is also out, rehearsing a play in her theatre. Really, could you stop speaking in metaphors, Hightopp?

**Wendy: **Calm down, _mon capitaine! _Tarrant, I realize that May – _Mary Stuart - _hasn't been original in her choice of stage name after college, but she made her choice herself, and we should respect it!

**Hatter (**_mysteriously): _As for chosing for herself, I'm by no means surprised…

**Alice: **No wonder,my love!Really,friends, haven't we all, who are present at this table, made our choices by ourselves?

**Wendy **(smiling at her husband): Golden words! Please, friends, do taste those tarts over there! James, do not monopolize the tray!

**Hatter **_(eating with great appetite): _Oh, yes….mmm…I dare say, Alice, much tastier than those of the Queen of Hearts….

_(Alice chokes on her tea. Wendy pats her on the back)_

**James: **After all, every Queen is a woman ,and every woman is a Queen. Do you agree with this point of mine, Mrs. Stuart?

_(Wendy smiles and is on the way of bestowing another thimble upon her husband, but all of a sudden __**Hatter **_shrieks: "CLEAN CUP! CLEAN CUP! MOVE DOWN!)

_Everyone change places, even the disgruntled Hook._

**James: **Hightopp, that was uncalled for. You are not a host here!

**Alice: **(_to Tarrant_): Really, my love…

**Hatter: **I'm not doing it for my sake, folks! Someone is going to show up! And a VERY IMPORTANT person, too!

**James ** (_puzzled, to Wendy_): Did you invite anyone else, my lady?

**Wendy **(_equally puzzled_): No, darling, I didn't! Tarrant, how do you know we are expecting someone?

**Hatter**: ISee her! (_Stands up)_

**Wendy **(in awe)**: **Through the Perception?

**Hatter **(matter-of-factly): No, though the windows. You've got a fine view from this room, Wendy-Bird!

**James: **I still cannot guess who is si impertinent as to …

_With a loud "Ta-Da!" enters White Rabbit._

**Rabbit: **…Mistress Wilhelmina Who-Must-Not-Be –Surnamed!

_(All are surprised, to put it mildly)_

_Enters __**Wilhelmina Murray Harker.**_


	3. Scene 3

_A/N: I do confess of having "borrowed" Tarrant's riddles (see the previous scene) from someone's profile on FF – though I sadly don't remember whose…_

_Enters __**Wilhelmina Murray Harker, **__with her trademark dowager queen's gait, Victorian airs, and a formal white-blouse-black-skirt attire, which length is much more than the current (post-WW2) fashion dictates. She is actually not less than seventy, but no one is usually bold enough to ask of her age. _

**Wendy: **_(taken aback)_ Madam Headmistress! Er..I meant…Mrs..

**Alice**: ….Madam Mina! (_claps her hands_)

**Wendy**: What an unexpected surprise!

**James **(_making a low bow in a courteous style_): And a pleasant one, too! (_Kisses Mina's hand_) _Enchante, madame. _

**Hatter** (_to everyone's utter surprise, bows as well, taking off his hat, and presenting a bouquet of lilies –of-the-valley from it_): My Lady, we are honored! (_Taking a good look at her_). Time had been merciful towards you, in _all_ senses of this expression!

**Mina** (_uneasy_): Good evening, Mr. Stuart, Tarrant (_looks at the Hatter with a certain twinkle in her_ _eyes_), How do you do, dear girls! (_shaking hands with her ex-students_) Ladies and gentlemen – my dear friends – I am extremely confused!

**Hatter: **Perhaps we could dis-confuse you?

**Wendy** (anxiously): Has anything unpleasant happened to you, Madam Mina?

**Mina:** No, dear Wendy, nothing bad has happened – yet. Just after having taught etiquette to young ladies – apart from other subjects – for several decades, - during which period the very concept of etiquette had undergone substantial changes – I, a school Headmistress and an ex- Head of the notorious League, a veteran of two wars, an Orthodox missionary in disguise and a lady who is much more than twenty – show up in a respectable house in the company of my alumni UNINVITED! And, what is more horrible – I don't care about my otherwise Good Form at the moment! I …I just felt it was a proper thing – a _necessity _- to come here tonight – and here I am! Odd, isn't it?

**Hatter: **_(with a broad smile) _Now I see you really haven't lost your muchness, Excellency!

**James:** Uninvited – what nonsense! Madam Mina! Surely you don't have to stick to formalities each time you wish to bestow your presence upon us!

**Wendy: **Really, Madam Mina – you are always welcome! The doors of our house are always open to you!

**Alice: **…Or do you prefer windows?

**Mina **(smiles): Unfortunately, Miss Kingsleigh – sorry, Alice,- I'm no longer young, neither innocent, nor…

**Hatter** (in a low voice): Don't say "heartless", Excellency, that would be a lie, and you have nothing to do with the father of lies! You, of all people, are quite H_eartful_….

**Mina: **(casting a warning glance) Tarrant, you are a tease! And still very good at _disconfusing, _as usual!

**Wendy : **Oh, Madam Mina, do take off your coat and sit down!

**James: **It's strange to see you without your lovely red scarf, Madam Mina!

**Mina:** Oh, _**that**_**!** _Takes a scarf out of her vast handbag_) Why, I never wear it when driving a car – and I am still driving on my own ! Suerly you don't wish me to share the fate of poor Isedora Duncan – God forbid! (_Puts on the scarf)_

**James: **You drive a car by yourself, madam? Incredible!

**Mina: **(proudly): And, moreover, I walk alone, mind it, my friends!

**Wendy**: Madam Mina, do sit down! (_Mina takes a seat, while Wendy is pouring her a cup of tea)_

**James: **Would you care for some wine, Madam Mina?

**Mina: **No, thank you, Mr. Stuart, I never drink…wine (_Awkward pause)…_only Russian vodka - but a very little amount, and of course during meatfaring periods .But you hardly keep it in your bar, Mr. Stuart – you're too British for it! (_To Wendy and Alice, who look somewhat surprised) _Don't look so shocked, girls - war habits wear off hard...All right, a few drops of cognac will do! (_Hook helps her with the addition to her tea)_

**Wendy: **And don't forget about those tarts on your left, Madam Mina! Help yourself!

**Mina: **Thank you, my dear. (_Taking one)._Oh, you were right – they are delicious!Perhaps I shall copy down that recipe of yours one of these days…(_Hatter makes a weird face )…_No need to smirk so dubiously, Tarrant! So, as I was saying…

**Alice:**…You came here because you had a voice in your head reminding you of a Very Important Date? That you couldn't afford to miss something..?

**Hatter: **Or someone…?

**Wendy and Alice** (t_ogether_): TARRANT!

**Mina** (pensively) : In fact, yes…As an Orthodox Christian, I don't believe in premonitions, but I always prayed to be able to appear in time when and where I am needed….So that it wouldn't be too late..I always hated being late, when I was younger…(_Takes a sip of tea , lost in thoughts)_

**James:** (breaking her reverie) How are you doing these days, Madam Mina?

**Wendy: **Oh, yes, pray tell us your news!

**Mina:** Well, friends,I am really at a loss.. The warlike days are over. As are my school days. I am already a great-grandmother, but still cannot get used to it.

**Hatter : **_(mockingly.)__**You are old, Mother**__**Wilhelmina!**_ And what of your recent deeds? Any more dragons to slay, per chance?

**Mina: **(looking serious): As for slaying dragons – there is a more important task nowadays. A more complicated than even yours, dear Alice .To become a true Champion, you only need to do one thing…

**Wendy , James and Alice: **And it is..?

**Mina**: To defeat a dragon within yourself, as it goes. _Your own dragon._ That's the most crucial victory. But not many people care to achieve it. It's far more romantic to attack the windmills!

**Alice **(_in earnest_): And that sort of victory is the seventh, most impossible thing to be made possible!

**Mina: **Exactly! But…it's not good form to be discussing problems of life and death during teatime! (_Smiles t o enlighten the mood)_ Am I right, Mr. Stuart?

**James : **(gallantly) Of course, madam. So, what of other news?

**Mina: **Well,my other fights, I'm still trying to overcome those bureaucrats in the Rumanian high circles. One would never imagine they have just lost in the war! Just fancy – they are still wet-blanketing my plan to found a seminary in one of Vlad's castles!

**Wendy: **The oneinTransylvania?Mary Anne enjoyed it a lot during her last year's summer trip!

**Mina: **Unfortunately not.The only one those insufferable white-collars are thinking of bestowing upon me is that in Brasov, where is practically nothing left but for the basement ! But I am still not giving up .Quincey and his wife are considering my plans insane, as usual, but Militsa is on my side. And Dragomir has now gone over there to stand for me! You know, with his habit of always getting the last word…(_All ladies chuckle, remembering their own sons and daughters)_

**James (**_to Hatter, in whisper) _Always wondered why Madam Mina did not change those fosterlings' names to normal English ones after having adopted them all those years ago…Militsa, Rostislav, Dragomir….Methinks she has got a soft spot for everything Slavonic, eh, Hightopp?

**Hatter: **_(also in whisper) _Perhaps her Excellency did lose some of her Britishness on the battlefield?

**Wendy: **James, Tarrant , what are you talking about?

**Hatter: **Oh, just imagining things!

**Mina: **Such as?

**Hatter: **That now, you Excellency, it's your turn to think over a riddle or two….

**Mina: **Oh, really? Well, I…

_(Suddenly there are noises and voices behind the scene. A rather dishelved- looking White Rabbit comes in)._

**Wendy: **(worried): What's up, Nivens?

**Rabbit: **A young man to see Miss Mary Anne. Introduced himself rather oddly – either Vladimir or Valdemar… I told him Miss Mary Anne was out, but…

**James:**(_grinning, to Tarrant_): See? I told you our fair Headmistress has a weakness towards Slavonic names - first there was Vladislav, and now this Vladi...Valde...(all of a sudden):BRIMSTONE AND GALL! (_the Mock Turtles shudder_)Why should this youngster be asking for MY DAUGHTER?

**Hatter: **I reckon, Jimmie, we'll find it out in a minute. McTwisp, what's the fellows real name on your List?

**Rabbit: **(looks into the paper he is holding) Oh, that's something altogether different. It says:

TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE !

**Mina: **See, Tarrant? Here is your _riddle! _

**Alice: **And what a _marvelous _name to bear!

**Wendy: **Let him come in, Nivens!


	4. Scene 4 REVISED!

**Hatter**: Change places!

Everyone moves down the table, except for Mme Mina

**Hatter** (_to Mina_): Exellency?..

**Mina****: **Надеющийся на Господа, яко гора Сион, не подвижется вовек! (_**They that trust in the LORD shall be as mount Zion, which cannot be removed, but abideth for ever.)**_

**Hatter**: All right, do as you wish...You've always been the one for the hardest riddles...

Enters a tall, dark and handsome young man about 19-20 years old, clad in a black Dracula-styled cloak, his right hand hidden under its folds. His countenance reveals a rather odd mixture of emotions, none of them by any means pleasant (A/N: no wonder, as none kind of magic works in the Stuart residence, except for the power of Love...) Nevertheless, he looks definitely out of place, if not lost, and, not being used to this state of mind, is in a quite foul mood.

**Hatter**_ (to the newcomer): _No room! No room!

**Tom**_ (irritated): _Nonsense – there is room enough! (_Sits down with challenge in his eyes, taking a chair opposite to Mme Mina, with a rather loud noise, which makes the old lady wince, and crosses his legs)_

**Hatter**_ (in a low voice, to James): _What's the hatter with this guy? He's late for tea!

**James **(_suspiciously_): Split my infinitives, I'll teach this ignoramus good manners now! (_Is about to speak up, when Hatter covers his mouth with the notorious top hat)_

**Hatter**: Be quiet, Jim! You'll ruin all the fun! A real bad guy in our company! If you shoo him away now, nothing good will come of it!

**James **(_noticing his wife's pleading look_): All right, Hightopp, play the joker as usual, if you choose. But if a single hair falls down from Marianne's head...(_lifts his hook_)

**Hatter**: No need to continue, Jimmy! You just be silent –I'll do the conversation part! **(**_Aloud, to Tom_) Would you like some wine, lad?

**Tom:** I don't see any on the table.

**Hatter**: Of course you don't – there is none of it here! (_Chortles_)

_Everyone cannot help laughing, remembering the old joke. Tom, very angry, takes out a long wooden stick_ _from under his cloak, and mumbles some strange words, pointing the stick at the company. However, Nana 12__th__, feeling danger in the air, jumps up speedily at him, plunging its teeth into the stick. A loud crack – and the stick is broken. Nana goes under the table, chewing the remnants of the aforesaid object._

**Tom** (_indignantly_) Shit! That was my favourtite wand!

**James & Mina** (_at once_): Language, young man!

**Wendy** (_carefully_): Mr Riddle..

**Tom** (_angrily_): It's Lord Voldemort to you, lousy Muggles! (_Sinks back into his chair_)

**James** (_irate_): Well, I declare... (_tries to stand up, but is put back by Hatter's hat_)

**Wendy** (_in the same polite tone_): I'm sorry, Mr. Riddle, but there are only two Lords to whom I am subject – the One in Heaven and my wedded husband, so we'll have to do without titles in this house! (_Pours a cup of tea and passes it to Tom, who is quite surprised with her kindness) _Take care, the tea is really hot!

Awkward silence. James is nervously tapping his hook onto the table.

**Mina**: Mr. Stuart, it's really not good form to make such noise with your..er..instrument! (_James, looking ashamed, stops tapping at once, then clears his throat under the Hatter's warning glance)_

**James: **Mr. Puzzle, or what's your name, as you have been told by the butler, our youngest daughter Mary Anne Stuart is out at the moment. O.U.T. – did you get it right?

**Tom **(_matter-of-fact tone_): No problem, I'll wait here for her return ! (_Takes a loud sip from his cup, making Mme Mina shudder_)

Everyone is silent. Tom, against his will, is getting uncomfortable, though conceals his emotions rather well.

**Alice** _(breaking the silence_): You need a haircut, boy!

**Tom **(_angrily)_ : I am NOT A BOY! Don't you dare to address me like that!

**Alice** (_in the same serene voice_): Well, you don't look like a girl either! Though nowadays one can never tell for sure...

(_Tom glares at her with a look of injured dignity)_

**Hatter **(_to Alice_): Darling, don't riddle Riddle until Riddle riddles you!

**Alice **: Tarrant, everyone may be mistaken in another ! Don't you remember calling me a _he _when I came back to Underland for the third time?

(_Hatter winks merrily at his wife)_

**Wendy** (_trying to act like a proper hostess_): Are you a friend of Mary Anne, Mr. Riddle?

**Tom** _(with contempt_): Friend? By no means! I have no need for friends !

**James** (_ominiously):_ Do elaborate, sir!

**Hatter **(_as if to himself_): A lord in need isn't a Lord indeed! Can't you see his point, Jimmy?

**Tom **(_arrogantly)_: I only came to claim what is mine! It is your daughter who has got it!

**Hatter **(_to Alice, in a low tone)_ : I hope the object in question isn't a little unborn Riddle?

**Alice** (_shocked_): Heavens forbid , Tarrant! Just think what you are saying!

**Hatter** (_smirking_): My love, that's quite an old-fashioned joke, is it not? Old habits die hard: I always say what I think!

**Mina **(_to Tom, getting tired of his lack of table manners_): Some people are able to find fault only with the others, but from my rich experience I can guarantee you, Mr. Riddle, that pride always has a fall!

_(Meanwhile Tom, who has been rocking to and fro on his chair, suddenly falls down on the floor. Others can hardly suppress laughter)_

**Tom** (_red from shame and anger, getting back to his seat_): What do you know of me to make damned prophecies?

**Mina**: Almost the same amount as you do about good manners – or moral principles – next to nothing, that's it! But I suppose it's not entirely your own fault – with such an upbringing as yours!Alas! nowdays everything seems worse than in my youth – even the orphanages...

(Tom turns as pale as a corpse)

**Tom: **How do you know? Muggles cannot read thoughts...Are you a witch?

**Mina **_(smiling_): I do hope I am not . Though you'd better ask my daughters-in-law. However, even they had never called me that!

**Alice** (_lost in thought)_: Two witches bought two wrist watches. Bur which witch wore which wrist watch?

**Tom **(_still amazed_): Then how could you...

**Mina** : A mere matter of experience, my boy! You see, my parents died when I wasn't yet in my teens, so I myself spent several years of my life in an institution of that kind ...So when I see a young person snatching sweets into his sleeve when he thinks no one is watching, or picking up crumpets from the table cloth, I don't need any documents to learn his background...(_smiles at him again)_

**Tom** (_very put out)_: Still, my background is no concern of yours! Whoever you are, you'd better stay away and mind your own business! (_Takes another sip from his cup, but with less noise)_

**Wendy** (_politely_): I'm afraid you're quite mistaken, Mr. Riddle. Madam Mina's business is exactly feeling and expressing concern for those who pretend to be in no need of it.

**Alice: **Yes, the more of a villain a person is, the more of interest he is to our Headmistress!

**Hatter **_(nodding_): Her Excellency appointed herself long ago the saviour of those gone astray, and until now none of us dared to dis-appoint her!

**Tom **(_defiantly_) I don't care!

**Wendy** : But you should at least be careful – your tea is too hot! Please calm down, or you'll overturn your cup!

**Mina** (_resuming the conversation)_: I know Mary Anne to be rather absent-minded in everyday life. Did she take something of yours instead of something of her own while camping at Brasov, Transylvania during summer holidays?

**Tom **(_astonished against his better judgement)_: You know about that as well?

**James** (_no less astonished)_ : Brimstone and gall! (_Mock Turtles peep from under the table)_. My daughter had been on a trip abroad and never told me? I thought she was visiting a friend in the suburbs of London!

**Wendy** (_uneasy_): Darling, we didn't want to worry you, and besides...

**Mina**_ (chuckles_): ...Besides, we went there together. The war just ended, and Eastern Europe was not exactly a resort place, to put it mildly. But when I saw she was settled properly and in a decent company, I left for a couple of days to visit my daughter Militsa, who is Mother Superior in an Orthodox convent near Bucharest. And when I came back Mary Anne was well, except for a sad loss of her journal, which had been of some value to her...

**Wendy** (_thoughtfully_): Yes, now I remember May telling me about that loss...It was a pity, as she used to write down her own short stories and poems in it...

**Mina **(_lost in thought_): And on our way she also copied into it some Hungarian and Rumanian recipies as well- just like my late husband did during his first visit...

**Hatter** (_smirking_): _Which _husband exactly, Excellency?...

**Alice :** Tarrant! You'll be punished and won't have any more sugar in your tea!

**Hatter**: OK, I am silent as a codfish (_James nearly overturns his cup at that phrase)_

**Mina** (_sending the Hatter a warning glance_): My _late_ husband, Tarrant!

**Tom **(_annoyed, to James and Wendy)_: You should have taught that daughter of yours to look better after her things and not to mix them with other people's possessions!

**James** (_irate, as if it just dawned upon him_): Odds, bobs, hammer and tongs! Then it were _you_ who took away May's journal, brat!

**Hatter**: Easy, Jimmy, easy! Remember what I told you and don't spoil the fun!

**Wendy** : Mr. Riddle, there surely must have been a mistake...

**Tom **(_very annoyed):_ Yes, by Salazar, a mistake! Your daughter's mistake, mind it! For my part, I didn't ask her to invite me to their damned camp! Nor to dry my things near _their _fire, nor to offer me sandwiches! As if I weren't able to pass a couple of days without food – especially Muggle food! (_a hungry look in his eyes_) In my whole life I never asked anyone for anything - NEVER! (_To himself_) It wasn't my fault no magic of mine worked in that accursed region around the castle! (_Aloud_) And surely no one asked that silly chatterbox to throw _my_ journal into her rucksack instead of _her_ own silly diary! So now I came here to take back my property, not to be laughed at by common.. OUCH! (_drawing back his hand, which has been splashed with hot tea from his cup)_

**Wendy** (_with concern)_: See, I did warn you! Next time do pay attention to what grown-ups tell you, Mr. Riddle! (_taking his hand into hers_) Wait here,I'll bring you an ointment..

**Tom **(_flinching from the contact)_: Don't touch me! I don't need any medicine of yours! (_bites his lips in pain)_

**Wendy** (_taking care of his burn_): Looks like you do, , now, that's a good boy!

**James** (_jealously, to Hatter)_: Does my wife seriously believe this fellow needs a mother?

**Hatter **(_grinning_): I reckon he does, Jim, and quite badly!

**Mina:** So, Mr. Riddle, what exactly kind of research were you doing in Transylvania?

**Tom **(_after some hesitation_): A recipe for immortality.

**Everyone** (_in amazement_): WHAT?

**Wendy**: But why on Earth do you need _that _fot_?_

**Tom **(_irritated_): Foolish question! Never to die, of course!

(_James snorts, Hatter giggles, Mina sighs in frustration, Wendy and Alice are stunned)_

**Tom **(_angrily_): I don't see anything funny! I haven't finished my research yet, but I am sure to achieve my ultimate goal in the nearest future!

**Mina** (_looking directly into his eyes_): Your goal is...interesting in its own way, young man, and your ambition is enormous indeed...But did it ever occur to you that there are things much worse than death?

**Tom** _(aggravated)_: Rubbish! What can be possibly worse than death?

**Mina**_ (gravely)_: Being _undead,_for instance. How would you like it to stand in front of a mirror and see nothing there? (_Tom snorts) _Jesting aside, there are even more horrible things...

**Tom **(_in a bored tone)_: Such as..?

**Mina **(_very serious)_: To cut yourself from the Source of life by your own hand. To be afraid of stepping into the sunshine lest the ugliness of your soul should be revealed . To be unable to love anyone or to accept love from another. To lose your soul for good. Haven't you ever taken into consideration those variants, my friend?

A moment of stillness and absolute silence in the room.

**Alice** _(as if to herself)_ : I thought a thought. But the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought...

_(Tom turns away from Mina's glance, angry at himself for being unable to bear it any longer, and somewhat affected – though not showing it- by the lady's words)_

**Mina**_ (dreamily): _I once knew a man, whose biography was a great deal more sound than yours, my boy, but in the end of ends even he...

**Hatter** (_interrupting_): Excellency, that man you are talking about was undoubtedly more _muchier, _even while being undead! This lad hasn't got half of his muchness – even being human , he is HARDLY alive!

**Mina** (_sadly)_: Unfortunately you are right, Tarrant – more dead than alive...

**James** _(to Tom, who is still pouting_): Beware of Madam Mina, young man!

All villains who had ever been unfortunate enough to cross her path either died or, which is more incredible, repented!

**Alice **(_chuckling)_: Oh yes, our dearest Madam Mina is a celebrity not only in this world , but in _Underworld _as well! Tarrant, do you remember Madam Mina's first visit to Underland?

**James** (_surprised)_: Is that really so, Madame ? You visited that odd world as well?

**Hatter **(_grinning_):Aye, Jimmy, and you should have seen the havoc she made at the White court with that zeal of hers! Mirana still shudders even when hearing someone saying Excellency's name, let alone mentioning her missionary activities!

**Wendy:** Indeed, were Madam Mina a man, we'd now be sitting next to the Metropolitan of Underland, no less!

**Mina** _(embarrased_): Girls, Tarrant, you are flattering me beyond measure! I only did my usual job : defending human - or animals'- rights and saving those who got lost! Besides, my sudden fall into a bombshell near Bucharest in 1916 can hardly be called a formal visit... Still, I hope I didn't waste time while staying in that wonderful land...

**Hatter:** Wasting Time? By no means, Excellency! Why, even that banished scoundrel of a Knave somehow managed to repent in the end of your visit...

**Alice:**...and went so far as to confess of his stealing the Red Queen's tarts ages ago, let alone his later, far more numerous transgressions!...What a pity Mirana didn't let Madam Mina stay there a bit longer!

**Mina** (_uneasy_) Well...our disagreement with Her Majesty was due not only to my professional activities.. But luckily she did allow me to come back once more, with Fr. Stephen to perform the Sacraments, although that visit turned out to be the last one and sadly short , too (_Sighs_)...However, I digress.. (_in a more vigorous voice_), But I still firmly believe that no one on Earth – or in other regions - is 100% evil. That's my second-best viewpoint!

**James:** And what about the first one, Madame?

**Mina **(_wistfully_):No matter how cliche it may sound – it says that Love is stronger than death...

**Tom **( _who was silent until now_):Salvation, love, death (_shudders at the last word_)...I cannot hear about this rubbish anymore..I feel like vomit!

**Hatter** (_in a whisper, to James_): Here starts the fun! (_Aloud) _Jimmy, pass me the sugar bowl, will you?

**James** _(annoyed)_ : What in Time do you mean, Hightopp?

**Hatter **(_clasping hands in apprehension)_ : I mean two things, Cap'n: that I ran out of sugar and that we've just hit the chap's weakest spot!

**Wendy** (_anxious_) Now, Mr. Riddle, don't forget you are at the table! If you need to visit the bathroom...

**Alice:** What's wrong with the conversation topic, boy? Isn't death but the next great adventure?

Perhaps the greatest of all our adventures?

**Tom (**_throwing his cup aside, scaring the Mock Turtles away_): An _adventure?_Are you mad to say so?

**James** _(angrily_) : Sir, your impertinence surpasses all possible...

**Hatter **(_cutting him short_): Not now, Jim! _(To Tom)_ We are _all _mad here, lad, That's not the point, however. The point is none of us here are cowards , and most of us had had enough battles for several average lifetimes! And you, buddy , despite all that bravado of yours and your _uppish _airs, are the only one in this room who is scared, and scared to death – of Death!

**Tom **(_in a high-pitched voice,his face ashen-coloured_): How dare you, useless old clown! You are telling filthy lies! I'm afraid of nothing and nobody!

**Alice** (_mildly reproaching tone_): But it's you who are lying now, boy...

**Tom **(_his voice faltering a little despite his efforts_): Everybody lies!

**Hatter** (_ironically_): What _short-sightedness_ for such a tall fellow! Most of us _sit _here, and if you don't behave yourself, somebody will_ stand up _and give you a good spanking!

**Wendy** (_peace-making_): Tarrant! Don't you see the boy is unwell? He'll have dyspepsia if you don't stop your bullying !

**Mina** (_in a calm tone_): Really, Tarrant! Our young guest's obsession, though rather twisted , has a grain of reason in its base! Weren't Adam and Eve originally immortal beings? Isn't death_ unnatural_ – even _alien_ – to our immortal souls? But Mr. Riddle fails to realize one thing – about two thousand years ago death had been vanquished. Now our temporary leaving this body in a grave shouldn't bother us anymore. From now on, it's not the fact of our funeral taking place someday should be a subject of worry for us, not even the fact that our relatives and friends – and random people as well - would be eating and drinking at our table (_taps upon the table)_ and we wouldn't be able to taste a single dish, lying still in a coffin , but something different...(_in a slightly faltered voice_) Will we be able to face our Creator , or will we be too ashamed of ourselves even to lift our eyes, feeling absolutely naked – _stripped_ of anything good or true? (_lowers her head, putting aside her cup)_

**Tom **(_jumping up, overturning his chair_): ENOUGH! I'm fed up! I've been sick and tired of that useless nonsense back there in the orphanage, and I won't have any cheap sermons now!

Everyone stares at him in wonder.

**Hatter** (_offended)_: _Cheap_ sermons? Her Excellency has always been preaching for free, chap!

**Alice**: Look, Tarrant, the boy is _almost _alive!

**Wendy**: Mr. Riddle, you must be really ill! I don't like that gleam in your eyes at all...

**James (**_snorts_): My lady, it has nothing to do with illness, I assure you! Don't you remember that I could do the same trick with my eyes, especially when that flying disaster of a boy was around?

(_Tom's eyes are now indeed gleaming red; to say he is angry is a great understatement)_

**Mina** : My friend, what could Our Lord have done to make you so upset?

**Tom **(_glaring at Mina, who also stands up from her chair_ ): What has He done?... Tell me, anyone of you , old lunatics , where is He, that God of yours? Where is He, I ask you?

**Hatter** : (_to Alice_) Yes, my dear , definitely more alive than dead!

**Wendy** (_alarmed)_: Mr. Riddle, I think a doctor should be sent for...

**Tom** _(not even noticing Wendy, his glance locked with that of Mme Mina)_ Where was He when that loathsome cad who had sired me left my pregnant mother for good? Why didn't He prevent her death? Where was He when I was left alone in the whole world, alone and unloved?

**James **(_to himself)_: What shameless plagiarism, by carbonates of soda! Very bad form, indeed!

**Tom** (_on the rampage_): Where was that God of yours, when I was in need of someone to defend me? When I was bullied by elder boys in the orphanage, who used to take away my FOOD from me?I swore then I'd make them pay for it, and later on, when I learned about my powers, I did make them pay, everyone of them! (_Then, at the top of his voice, raising his fist upwards)_

And why , by Salazar, when I was seven and I wished to have a bicycle as a present for Christmas, I only got a phoney BALL – as if I ever cared for football, or volleyball, or Quid -ANY kind of BALLS? (_throws his cup on the floor, breaking it to pieces) _And I wished for a BICYCLE!

_Meanwhile, the companions are exchanging remarks:_

**Alice** (_to Wendy_): Mate, I do believe the trouble is not really with God, but with the boy himself..He must be completely bonkers!

**Wendy** (_to Alice_): Yes, unfortunately, quite off his head...How it is said in the Book of Psalms – "The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God…"

**James:**Brimstone and gall! (_shooing away the Mock Turtles who crawl out again), _what narrow-mindness! "Father, give me this and buy me that, and if you don't do what I want, therefore, you don't exist!" Even my turtles have more good sense than that proud and insolent youth! Why, even I wasn't THAT self-centered in my young days!

**Hatter** (_to James_) You've had quite a few years on an enchanted Time -forsaken island serving as a toy villain in another troublesome boy's play, Jimmy! That brought you down a bit and made you at least tolerable to have tea with! (_To Tom, ignoring James' killing glance_): Lad, haven't you by chance mistaken God for Father Christmas or some kind of Fairy Godmother? Gee, what _kindergartenish _logic, indeed! Do you take the Lord of lords for some servant whose job is to run errands for you and carry out all your wishes? Now, who's mad here ?

Tom doesn't answer to anyone, in spite of being the centre of everyone's attention. His gaze is still locked with that of Mme Mina, who has been silent until now, looking calm, confident and compassionate. Then she comes up to Tom, and once more he is the one to break the eye-contact, hating himself and all others for his defeat. When the gap between them becomes very little, Tom involuntarily makes a step back, hatred in his eyes mixed with a shadow of confusion and frustration.

**Mina** (_looking both solemn and sad_): Where was Our Lord, you ask me? Everywhere – anywhere but in your own heart, that's where! (_Sighs, then takes another good look at her opponent, as if taking in both his appearance and the interior of his heart) _Goodness gracious, so much anger, and envy, and bitterness – and such great potential being wasted for nothing! My boy, you are now throwing insults at your Creator, but have you ever given Him a chance to help you? You have always kept the doors of your heart shut - how could He enter there, if not being invited by the host? Your heart is hard and cold as stone – how can He possibly dwell in it? It's you who are not letting Him in, not vice versa! Besides, to consider everyone around yourself guilty of your misfortunes, to close yourself into a virtual seashell, built of offence, ill-will, injured pride and loathing for the whole world is a sure sign not only of selfishness – which is your main feature, my young friend,- but of cowardice as well !(_Tom is at first eager to contradict, but then changes his mind; red gleam in his eyes starting to disappear)_ However, lack of bravery is not something that cannot be changed. There is always hope, you know...(_Tom snorts, then steps aside, flinching from close contact and avoiding Mme Mina's eyes; demonstratively crossing his arms, enveloping himself into his cloak)_ Why all this rage and tantrums about Someone who , as you pretend, doesn't even exist? Ah, this means that in spite of everything, you are **not** **indifferent – **and, therefore, your soul, however tainted and hardened, is yet **not completely dead!**

**Hatter **(_smirking_) : More alive than dead, Excellency!

**Tom **(_out of his element, nervously turning an expensive-looking ring on his left hand)_: Why should you care for _my_ soul so much? I myself don't even care whether it exists or not!

**Alice** (_with a sort of innocent curiousity_) : Then why are you clinging now to its fragment so desperately, boy?

**A LOUD " TA_DA" behind the scene. Tom is stunned.**

**Wendy**: Well, I hope everyone here remembers the old saying about taking over the world and doing harm to one's own soul?

**James** : Luckily this upstart hasn't yet taken over the world...

**Tom **(_stubbornly_) : YET – but I will some day...

**Hatter**: ...if our jolly set doesn't stop him now, Jimmy!

**Mina **(_shrewdly, coming closer to Tom again)_: ..You haven't YET taken over the world – thank God – but you have already made harm to , if not multilated, your own soul – the most precious possession in the whole universe! (_abruptly catches his hand _). Such a lovely ring you are wearing, Mr. Riddle...I wonder whether Mr. Tolkien's works have something to do with your choice of object...

**Tom **(_recoiling; trying to release his hand)_ : I am my own Lord! I am free to do with myself whatever I choose ! If I perish, nobody will care, anyway! Leave me and my soul alone, old hag!

**Mina** _(keeping her grip, at the same time taking out from her inner pocket a small flask with transparent liquid_): You are very much mistaken, as usual, my boy! However, as I told you before, it's my job to take care of those souls who pretend to be enjoing getting lost! (_Suddenly splashing his hand with the contents of her flask ) _Да воскреснет Бог и да расточатся врази Его! (Let God arise and let His enemies be scattered! As smoke vanisheth so let them vanish)

**A flash of lightning . Tom cries out as if in great pain. The ring falls down from his finger, then jumps up in the air on its own, smoking like**** a piece of coal; then starts bouncing to and fro as a ball of fire. Everyone tries to catch it; finally the Hatter traps the ring with his trademark top hat. "BANG"! - an explosion is heard inside the hat – and only a tiny pile of ashes falls from Tarrant's hat on Wendy's almost spotless floor.**

**Hatter: **(_surprised) _Oops! Tradegy strategy...

**Alice** (_in awe)_: Madam Headmistress, you've just done the seventh impossible thing!

**Mina** (_adjusting her hairdo_): Not yet, Miss Kingsleigh, not yet...Just now 'twas only my usual shock thearapy for freshmen, nothing extraordinary..._(resuming her place at the table_)

Tom, shaken to the core and totally exhausted, collapses onto his former seat and covers his face with his hands.

**Hatter ** (looking at Tom, in a meaningful tone): I've been lately investigating things beginning with the letter T...

Teaparties, tables , teapots...

**Wendy**: ...Turtles..ticks and tocks...

**James **(soberly): ...trouble, tribultations...

**Alice:**...trials...twists...

**Mina **(dreamily, as if to herself) Trains, timetables...tarts...(sighs wistfully)

Tom stays still in the same position. No one dares to disturb him.

**Hatter **(all of a sudden): Clean cup! Clean cup! Move down!

**James**(irritated): Now, Hightopp, of all times...

Enters White Rabbit

**White Rabbit** : Miss Mary Anne Stuart! (leaves the room)


	5. Scene 5

Scene 5

Enters a young girl of about 20-21,with long blond curls and bright forget-me-not blue eyes, very pretty and graceful, dressed simply, but with good taste. She is humming "Qu'est-ce qui passe ici si tard, Compagnons de la Marjolene?" , being evidently in a good mood.

**Marianne** (in a cheerful tone): Bonsoir, tout le monde! Papa, Maman, je suis la! Qu'est-ce qui se passe ici? (Coming up to greet her parents)

**James** (smiling almost for the first time since the beginning): Good evening, ma fille! You are back home at last ! (Hugs her)

**Wendy** (hugging the daughter in her turn): May, honey, while you were at work, we've been having a small teaparty...

**Hatter **(smirking)...and you're late for tea, lassie, but we're truly glad to have you with us...

**Alice **(receiving the girl's next hug):...a very small, but the most mad teaparty we've had for ages, deary...

**Marianne** (smiling ): Uncle Tarrant, Aunt Alice, nice to meet you! Oh! (rushing to greet Mme Mina) chere Madame Guillaumina, you are also here!

**Mina** (with a genuine smile, greeting the girl): Dear Marianne, .the pleasure is all mine! I take it from your manner of speaking you are still playing Cosette in **Les Miserables**?

**Marianne** (chuckles): Mais non, I got tired of that role and asked Mr. Steel to let me play Eponine for a change! (Looking around) Have I missed anything extraordinary?

**Wendy** (uneasy): Honey, while you were away, a rather unusual visitor showed up...

**Marianne** (at last having noticed Tom): THOMAS? (pronouncing the name in a French manner).What are you doing here? How did you find me in London?

**James **(remembering his Good Form): Daughter, Mr. Riddle was so helpful as to come here to return you the journal you lost during your trip abroad...Now, if you could possibly find his own journal in your room and return...

**Marianne (**ecstatic): Thomas, est-ce vrai? You have indeed found my journal?

**Tom **: Found it? (standing up ) Stuart, you have no idea what...

**Marianne (**overwhelmed):Oh, mon petit cahier, I'm SO glad, so glad it hasn't disappeared for good! (Jumping up to Tom, whose face and overall demeanor are quite lifeless) Oh, merci, Thomas, merci beaucoup, thank you SO much !(all of a sudden hugs Tom and kisses him on the cheek) Je t'aime bien, Thomas, you are SO kind...

A SILENT SCENE. EVERYBODY IS TOO SHOCKED TO SAY ANYTHING.

ANOTHER " TA-DA" BEHIND THE SCENE.

**Hatter (**clearing his throat) Well...it's always better to kiss a miss than to miss a kiss...

**Tom** (flabbergasted, to Marianne) What have you done? You ... you... you... (collapses onto the floor in a swoon)

**Alice **(reprimanding her husband): Tarrant! The girl has just done the seventh – or is it eighth?- impossible thing, and you are spoiling the moment with your silly sayings!

**Wendy (**in the same tone): Really, Tarrant, the boy's nerves must have been worn out enough without your help!

**Marianne (**frightened, kneeling by Tom's side): Maman? What's the matter with Thomas? Is he alive?

**Hatter (**wateing Tom with cold water from the teapot): Sorry, my ladies! More alive than he was when he came in here, I dare say! (To Tom, who finally uttered a silent groan) Rise and shine, Lord of the rings, you're finally ALIVE!

**Tom** (in a weak, sore voice, to Marianne and Mme Mina, the latter also crouching by his side): You...ruined...me...

**Mina (**gently and reassuring, giving hime her hand and helping to get up): On the contrary, my boy, we've just repaired you! (To Wendy) Miss Da—Wendy,darling, have you got in your kitchen anything more nourishing than tea and confectionery to bring this young man to life?

**Wendy** (at once in her element): But of course we have! (To Marianne) May, little one, take Mr. Riddle to the kitchen at once! There is chicken soup there, and meat and vegetables I prepared for the evening, and your Greek salad and fried potatoes...oh, and don't forget about the fried fish, my dear!

**James **(not quite happy): Ma fille, don't forget to leave at least something for your parents to eat !

**Wendy**** (**scolding): James, shame on you! You and I can have a light supper, and that poor child hasn't probably had a decent meal for days, if not months!

**Mairanne **(very glad): D'accord, Maman! Thomas, allons-y!

**Tom **(with a stoic expression on his gaunt face)**: **Stuart, if you want to communicate, speak at least plain English, or go find yourself another victim! (Marianne chortles and drags Tom by hand out of the room)

The rest of the company sigh in relief.

**Hatter** (excited): Oh, Wrighteous Day! Calloo, Callay! (Futterwackens with great enthusiasm)

**Alice** (also excited) : I do hope Mr. Riddle will never be hungry again! James, Wendy, your youngest is a true Champion!

**Wendy** (flattered): Well,I'm not the one to judge; I only remember her always being full of love and empathy towards the whole world...

**James: **Yes, she definitely took after you, my lady! I'm afraid the habit of sympathizing with villains must be running in the family...Madam Mina, what makes you look so happy?

**Mina **(in joy): Really , Mr. Stuart, the boy was almost dead and came back to life; was lost and now is found – isn't that enough for my being happy? (Calls backstage) Maestro, chardash!

An invisible orchestra starts playing Brams' Hungarian dance number 5. Mme Mina dances chardash right on the spot.

James and Wendy, Tarrant and Alice also dance whatever they can perform. They are suddenly interrupted by Nivens McTwisp.f

**White Rabbit: **Attention, ladies and gentlemen! An important message to Mistress Wilhelmina Not-Harker!

Mina gets frozen on the spot.

**James:** What nonsense! Everyone knows Madam Mina'surname is Harker!

**Wendy**: I know, James, but look here! (shows the envelope) It's written Not-Harker – very odd! Must be some practical joke...

Hatter shrugs his shoulders, as if ignorant of the current situation

**Mina **(impatiently): Let me see... (takes the letter and starts to read, then very slowly gets up and rings the bell)

**White Rabbit:** Madam?..

**Mina**: (unreadable expression on her face, standing very still) Nivens, could you please fetch my personal phone? I need to make an international call...(The White rabbit fetches up a wartime radio-phone, Mme Mina takes it up) Hello, Militsa? It's Mother speaking. Why ,no, no bad news. Quite on the contrary, in fact ...No, I'm not nervous...Well, yes, I am somewhat excited... Please contact your brothers as soon as possible. I need all of them here, with familes, if they can make it. And I do need you, most of all...No, I'm NOT making a fuss! YOUR FATHER IS GOING TO BE RELEASED! No, I haven't been drinking slivovitza – only a great amount of tea! Do call Rostislav and Dragomir at once ! And don't forget to take Fr. Stephen with you with all the necessary things for Sacraments!I have no time to chat – so many preparations are to be made...Keep in touch, my dear!

Everyone is looking at MM with great interest.

**Alice: **Wendy, don't you find it odd Madam Mina left out Quincey Harker during her conversation? He should be naturally closer to her than those adopted triplets...

**Mina **(who has already finished ):Who told you Militsa , Rostislav and Dragomir had been adopted? I might have been not very young thirty years ago, but by not means barren!

Everyone gasp.

**James: **(uneasy)Madame, I'm afraid we here fail to understand the details of your family situation...

**Hatter: **Excellency, what's the use of beating about the bush? The cats have already got out of bags!

**Wendy: **What cats? What bags? I cannot understand anything..

**Mina** (puting the letter down): My husband's banishment is over.

**ALL**: Your HUSBAND?

(Speaking simultaneously):

**James: **A husband? But didn't Mr. Harker die during the first Great War?

**Wendy: **Why, Madam Mina,we did consider you to be widowed for decades...  
**Alice : **Impossible! Madam Mina, but that man had been sentenced till the end of Underland, I heard it myself from the Queen!

**Hatter: **Darling, both Her Majesty and Her Excellency have very LARGE kind hearts.! And that pompous overgrown cock had always liked largeness...

**Mina: **Yes, Mr. Stuart, you are quite right about Jonathan – but he was my first husband...Wendy, I am Orthodox, and we, unlike Catholics or Protestants, wear wedding rings on the right hand...Alice, times change, and people do change as well...(looking very excited)My friends, pray do read the letter yourselves...I am too overwhelmed at present...

James takes up the letter and starts reading

**James: ..."**Dear Madam, We, the Queen of Underland, Outlands and Somewhere Else, consider it our duty to inform you that your husband, convict N1001, North Tower (Ilosovich Stayne), has finally gone sane. In course of the last few years his sanity seemed to progress: instead of beeing silent and brooding, as he used to be after our argument which led to your departure, he became more and more restless; and at present his behaviour seems to have reached the crucial point (the convict is naming out loud his numerous transgressions, singing at the top of his voice weird chants like Kyrie eleison and Christe eleison, and begging the guards to call him bad names or at least to throw mud at him). We insist that you urgently arrive to Underland to claim back your spouse and therefore release the kingdom from this troublesome burden.

P.S. Wilhelmina, please do come as soon is possible and take away that impossible man ! No one but you cares for him, anyway.

Mirana .

P.P.S. Should you fullfil our request, you'll be allowed to establish here that Church you used to talk about with so much enthusiasm

M.

**Wendy: **Well, I declare!

**Alice: **I dare say the number of impossible things exceeds all limits tonight!

**James: **I always said Madam Mina was an Extraordinary lady, even without that notorious League of hers!

**Hatter:**(smirking at MM)So, I reckon we are now taking our leave , eh, Mistress Stayne?

**Mina (**in a happy voice): Yes, Tarrant, I really stayed too long! Of course I'll need your and Alice's looking-glass , if you don't object...

**Alice: **Surely, Madam Mina, you are always welcome at our home..

**Wendy:** But why the looking-glass, Madam Mina?

**Mina **: My girl, do you expect me to jump down the rabbit hole – at my age, in my state of health? It won't be good form at all! (winks at James) Before I forget, Wendy, darling, have you got any more of those delicious tarts? (Wendy looks around the table) My poor Ilosovich hasn't tasted them for decades...

**Hatter: **Here, Mother Wendy, your husband is hiding the last tray behind the flower vase! (James reluctantly hands over the tarts to MM)

**Mina **(with a grateful look): Thank you so much, my friends..(packing the tarts and putting the bundle into her enormous bag) May God bless and keep you! Don't forget that nobody in this world is absolutely good or absolutely evil! And don't ever forget that mercy is always higher than justice! (Takes up her things)Wendy, if you don't mind, I'm taking this box of chocolates with me as well!

**ALL** : Good-bye and thank you, Madam Mina!

**Hatter: **Aren't you afraid to go Under, Excellency?

_**Mina (**_cheerfully_**):**_By no means, Tarrant! Our Lord is omnipresent, anyway! Remember Psalm138_ – _"Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence? If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there…." Proschevayte!_(Goes out, humming_ "_He that descended to the hades and broke the long-lasting strings" from the Easter service)_

**Alice (**getting up): Well, my dears, we need to be going as well ..All is well that ands well, and it's very well, indeed!...Good-bye, Champion Jr, Good-bye, James! (hugs the hosts)

**Hatter : **Bye-bye, Wendy-bird! See you soon, Jimmy! (makes a mocking bow with his top hat)

**James: **Good-bye, Mistress Alice! Hope not TOO soon, Hightopp! (grins) Au revoir, though!

**Hatter (**in the doorway): Just a bit more food for thought lest your brains stagnate till our next visit: imagine an imaginary menagerie manager imagining managing an imaginary menagerie! So long, folks! (He and Alice take their leave; Hatter is humming "Ole Jim Stuart had a house, e-i-e-i-o, and in that house he had some turtles, e-i-e-i-o..")

James and Wendy are again alone in the room

**Wendy **(sighs, than starts clearing up the table): Well, my love, the teaparty is over...and so are the tarts...

**James** (none too pleased): ...And so eventually will be the food in our kitchen, if those two sitting up there go on with their long conversation...

**Wendy : **James, I have a feeling we'd better not interrupt them, at least for a couple of hours. I even think I could put Mr. Riddle on the sofa in our study for the night, if he doesn't feel like going away...

Don't fret, honey, I've got a treat for you in my desk drawer, so you won't have to go to bed being hungry...

**James: **My beauty, what would I do without you! (Gives her a thimble)

**Wendy : **Oh, James, tomorrow is Sunday, we'd better not be late for the Mass, and the children (A/N: Jane and her family) will be back in the evening, and on Monday our normal routine life will go on...Nana, what are you chewing so loudly? Oh, some old notebook – fortunately not May's, since the pages are quite empty... It does resemble May's journal, though, but hers is already in her hands...hmmm...Yes, welcome back to normal everyday life...No more madness for now...

Suddenly the White Rabbit rushes in

**James: **(very annoyed):Odds, bobs, hummer and tongs, what's on?

**White Rabbit **(confused): A Mr. Walter Disney from the United States of America to see you!

Enters a middle-aged, ordinary looking man (the stage director of this play, should it ever be put to stage)

**James and Wendy: (**at once resuming their seats) NO ROOM! NO ROOM!

**Disney **(making himself comfortable ): Stuff and nonsense! There are heaps of room here! How about a cup of tea, ma'am?

James and Wendy just look at each other without any words.

Finita la comedia!

(Curtain call)


	6. AN

Dear people,

I do hope I didn't make a total mess with this story, but, for a Russian, it's impossible to write a comedy without touching "eternal" spiritual questions, as you might know

Idioms , for sure, are not mine – I just played around with them!

As for the tarts and e bit exaggerated role of foods in the play, I assure you I'm not always SO keen on eating (LOL) The tarts played a symbolic role – as the notorious gun on the stage wall our famous playwright A. Chekhov wrote about…

As for the characters, I dare say they are NOT OOC (even TR, well, at least ALMOST not OOC ), though I did change the canon timeframe and made Wendy and Alice about the same age, whereas Alice must be even older than Mina according to canon. But Mina just HAD to be their former shoolmistress, so beg pardon

If Tom Riddle turned out to be more of Rodion Raskolnikoff than I had expected (with occassional Karamazov trends) – don't blame me much, Th. Dostoevsky is my favourite writer, after all

As for eventual Mina/Stayne pairing at the end – don't bully me as well – I pity Stayne too much to leave him out in the dark

And finally, the turtles rule What would be a play of mine without any pets in it? (LOL)


	7. EPILOGUE :

**Epilogue **

_(about 2 years later)_

The same old house, the same setting. A shadow of a leaves-clad boyish figure is lingering around the window, accompanied by a small light. Both of them are staring (unseen) at our old merry company, who are , as usual, at the table in the Stuarts' sitting- room.

**Wendy: **How nice of you to keep company to old friends!

**Alice **(smiling): Not _too old, _I hope! One should always remain young at heart!

**Hatter (**grinning): Yes indeed, just like me!

**James (**_in a courteous manner): _Mistress Alice, you, like my Wendy, is the one to remain always young! (_Alice and Wendy chuckle)_

**Wendy: **Who would like another hot cup of tea? Alice, Tarrant? (_smiling at the Hatter)_

**Hatter : **I say, Mother Wendy! Who cares whether the cup is hot or not? It's only the tea that matters! _(Taking the teapot from her_)

**Alice **(disapprovingly) : Tarrant! Shame on you! Among old friends, it's _sympathy _that matters most of all!

**Hatter **_(with a full mouth, taking the last tart from under Hook's nose) : _Of course, I forgot, my dears! Tea AND sympathy! (_continues to chew)_

**James (**_annoyed): _Really , Hightopp, I never expected anything better of you! As if you couldn't just have your precious tea at your own abode! If you had but the smallest notion of Good form…

**Wendy** (_with reproach_):James! You don't really mean it, do you?

**Hatter (**_with a smirk):_No, of course he doesn't, Mother Wendy, don't scold him! Jimmy in fact likes me very much, but _ deep _in the interior of his heart (_James snorts)…very deep, _for sure! Besides, if we just stayed at home having each his or her own tea, how dull life would be! _(Wants to take a sweet, but finds t it gone, as Hook has just taken it from the plate, and now is looking from across the table with a wicked, victorious smirk) _.Very dull AND predictable, indeed!

(_A sudden loud sound from the parlor, as if something was broken)_

**Wendy: **Uh-oh, perhaps Not very predictable…Who can that be?

**James: **Brimstone and gall! (_The old couple of turtles show up)_ Hide away, you old foolish reptiles, lest the newcomers tread upon you! (_To the others)_ I cannot imagine who can make such a dramatic entrance, except for…(_changing face expression and voice, as he sees mme Mina float into the room)…_Madame Mina! (_kisses her hand)_

**Mina : **Good-evening, my dears!

**Wendy and Alice: **How do you do , Madam Mina!

**Hatter**: Why, hello, Excellency! Have you come by yourself?

**Mina: **How do you do, dear girls!Of course not, dear Tarrant! I _never _walk alone now, especially to parties!

Wendy_: _How nice of you to….Oh, Mr. Stayne, watch your_…..(Stayne hits his head at the doorway for the second time)…_.head_!_

**Stayne **(_confused, testing his head for bumps): _Easier said than done, Mistress Wendy! (_Bows to the hostess) _Have you ever tried to watch your head? It is no less complicated than to try to bite your own teeth, you know!

(_Comes up to the table and nods a bit stiffly to the other people, than sits down next to his wife)_

**James: **_(to Hatter)_ One may think we were rich enough to adjust our doors to every guest's size!

**Hatter **_**(**__in a matter-of-fact whisper): _Let's go on eating and drinking as if nothing has happened, Jimmy! After all, _he_ is a newcomer here, not we! (_Takes another sweet)_

**James: (**_with a frown_**, **_glancing____at Stayne taking the first tart from a fresh plate_):Another dessert-loving villain in my house! As if there was a lack of them at this table!

**Hatter: **One might think, Jim, that you have cooked those tarts yourself!

**James** (_Proudly_) : And what if I have?

**Hatter: **I'd rather die from hunger than eat them, then!

**James** (_snorts):_ Do as you wish , Hightopp! Only don't expect me to mourn you , should it be the case!

**Hatter (**_grinning): _Oh, but you would wear mourning for your old friend, Jimmy!

**James: **No, I wouldn't

**Hatter:** Yes, you would!

**James:** NO, I wouldn't!

**Hatter**: YES, you would

(Having both received warning glances from their wives, continue arguing in a lower tone)

**Alice** (to Stayne, who is now busy eating, in an open, friendly manner): Hello, Ilosovic!

**Stayne** (somewhat embarrassed): Hello, Champion!

**Alice** (in the same manner): I see you have regained your muchness at last?

**Stayne** (a little uneasy): It's up to you to judge, Alice.

**Alice (**with merry mischief): And while Madam Mina cannot be called a large person…(looks at Mina, who is talking with enthusiasm to the Stuarts)

**Stayne: (**with emotion, looking in the same direction**)**…it's evident that muchness has nothing to do with largness or smallness! Yes, I have finally understood this!

**Alice**: Well, I am glad for both of you, then! (Stayne sends her a grateful glance)

**Hatter: **(to Mina): Well, Excellency , perhaps, after all, that overgrown brat whom you married is starting to lose his knavery!

**Mina : **I believe he has almost lost it, Tarrant. Don't be too hard on him. For my sake, if not for his!

**Hatter** (nonchalantly): Okay, okay, Excellency! As if I could deny anything a lady who makes such delicious cakes! (points to the chocolate cake that the Staynes have brought for tea)I take it you are now spending more time in the kitchen than in your study, eh, Madam?

**Mina (**smiling**): **You are right as always, Tarrant!But I by no means regret it! I have spent too many years in my study so far! Besides, to learn to cook cakes was quite a challenge – and you all do know how I love challenges!

**Stayne** ( in a concerned manner): Yes, my lady, how can we ever forget! (kisses her hand)

**Wendy (**chuckles**): **Yes, Madam Mina, and another of those challenges, who is now living next door, is sure to never forget it either!

(At the other end of the stage the light is up, and we see Mary Anne and Tom. The former has grown more woman-like, and is wearing a nice home dress. The latter , a hat and portfolio in hands, is going to leave.)

**Marianne: **Cheri, don't be too late, if you can help it!

**Tom: **Stuart,do you really believe I have taken these evening courses just to annoy you? Or perhaps you think I am going to sit for a couple of lectures just for fun, because I've nothing else to do after a day's work?

**Marianne: **(in a soft voice): Thomas, you must have really been overworking lately, or else you wouldn't forgot that my last name is Riddle. I changed it six months ago, n'est-ce pas?

**Tom** (calming down): No, May, I have forgotten nothing. But we do need a house of our own, don't we? Besides, (dreamily), I am determined to get into the government one day…and if I don't become a Prime minister in about ten , or at most fifteen years…

**Marianne: (**chortles):…then you take my place at the kitchen! Okay, go now, my lord, or you'll be late for your classes!

**Tom (**smirks): No way, Mrs. Riddle! **Knowledge is power**! Until soon, wife! (kisses her, then goes out)

**Marianne (**giggling): **Au revoir, monseigneur** ! (Goes back indoors)

Back in the Stuarts' sitting-room, Hook is discussing the aforesaid couple with Mina, rather put out

**James:….**and, you see,they have done it allbehind my back!

**Hatter ****(**getting back into the dialogue): Would you prefer them to do it in front of your back, Jimmy?

(Hook is at loss for words, nearly choking at his tea)

**Wendy: **And now let us sing anything together! (Starts singing)

Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder what you are….

**Everyone (**joining her): Up and high above the world so high

Like a dimond in the sky

The boyinsh shadow at the window flinches, eager to fly away

**Boy: **Come on, Tink, let's go back! (The tiny light at his side is jingling, as if wishes to contradict)

If these crazy old folks are their grandparents, we have nothing to do in the nursery upstairs!

(They both fly away into the night)

**Our merry old company continues the song:**

..And your bright and tiny spark

Lights the traveller in the dark

Though I know not what you are,

Twinkle, twinkle, little star!

**Finis**

**(Curtain call)**


End file.
